Who am I, who am I supposed to be?

How Did I End Up Here (part I)

I am not sure if I am the only one who has struggled to figure out my life purpose, why I am on this planet at this time, and what should I focus my energy on?

As I write this post, I am 42 years old, and I have been many different people in that time. 

Since birth, we observe and adapt to survive.  We do everything to please our parents, to feel they love us, get recognized, and make them proud. We adjust our behavior depending on where we are, the people we are interacting with, and what we believe is expected of us. We know how to be someone’s significant other, parent, child, part of a group, and someone else based depending on what our career is, but it's hard to be who we are. 

Some people are fortunate to know who they are meant to be and what they need to do from a very early age.  I am not one of them.

I was someone's daughter and sister when I came into this world; I felt from a very early age that having someone genuinely care about me required me to ignore my feelings and do what I thought they wanted me to do.  I was always looking out for what was expected to say, do, or what behavior was expected of me. I started putting my dreams, wants, hopes, and what brought me joy at the bottom of my list.  

Like most of us, all I wanted was to fit in and feel loved. 

I have been through many challenges that helped shape who I am today.  

Experiences that I would not like to repeat but that I wouldn’t change; thanks to them, I am a version of myself that I am comfortable with. 

Accepting that nothing is done in a maleficent way, instead is meant to help us grow, is not a short process or a painless one, but acceptance is part of my learning in this life.

I have been awkward, have no filter, and have a bit of a potty mouth (ok, a lot!) had plenty of unusual things since I can remember, like seeing dead people and communicating with them.  I felt shame for being different. I ignored it and even looked into having myself checked to see if I had schizophrenia. As crazy as it sounds, that sounded better than being a medium; it was easier for people to accept this than the reality.  I struggled with depression, anger, and lack of self-love and appreciation; I couldn’t see any value in myself. 

I wanted to find love and feel happy during my early teens and needed something different from my life at home.  And thanks to this deep need, I got the best gift ever, My boy. That kid brought me to a point in my life when one of the most significant changes in accepting me happened. I worked hard on not being angry and having more patience, wanting something else for him, and not making the same mistakes that people from my family had passed from one generation to the next. I wanted him to know how much I love him and how important he is to me, that I am going to love him no matter what, and that even if at some point I don’t agree with his decisions, nothing will ever change that he is my son and I am very proud of him. 

Before I had him, I wanted to be an archeologist or an actor, I’ve always loved to write, and I used it to express myself, let my frustrations come out, and see my life from a different lens. 

Being a parent isn’t always easy, especially when you are still a kid yourself. I had him when I was 17 and tried to pursue being an actress by studying theater, but responsibilities came first.  I worked as a customer service rep from home; worked for an orchestra that mainly performed posh weddings; worked selling calling cards to call other countries. At the same time, I went to school to become a CNA. Thanks to this, I worked in a Lab as a phlebotomist and processed the blood samples, I loved this job, but it wasn’t the right thing for me.  I spent around 3 hours in the car every day just to and from work. I was exhausted and missing so much time with my boy. Once again, I tried to go back to school but is not cheap, and I had my son’s future to think of. 

By now, I was in my early to mid-20s and looking for answers, I tried going to different Christian denominations' churches, and with each one, I felt that I was becoming less and less of a believer. And around this time, I was introduced to someone who showed me what now is considered “Spiritual,” introduced me to meditation, energy healing, manifestation, and gave me a place where I felt I could be part of, a place where I belonged.  I looked forward to our meetings every week. I tried to learn everything I could get my hands off.  I got certified in Reiki, how to work with the moon changes and so many other subjects. Then I got introduced to Magnified Healing ™, and I felt like finally, I was becoming who I was supposed to be. 

Then we moved to a different state, wanted a fresh start, and my marriage at the time was having lots of issues. A few months after our move, we lost everything, I had to move back to Florida to live with my Mom, and I couldn’t understand why! It was so sudden that I just didn’t have time to process what had happened.

It was so hard to deal with everything that someone that cared deeply about me to help me that I had lost it all because of my spiritual journey, almost like what I had been pursuing was so bad that now I was paying for it.  And deep down, I knew that couldn’t be it, but I needed to put some sense of everything that was happening, and I ended up accepting it.

Checkout out part 2 of my psychic journey here.

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